Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
