PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize