Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
