how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
