Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
