Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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