Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
