Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
