All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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