But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
