it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Even my vagina gasped.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
