Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I want is dick and wine.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
