well most of my day revolves around power hour
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
