i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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