you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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