Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
