I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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