This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
