I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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