After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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