I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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