you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
