dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
