Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
