dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
