I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
