I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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