Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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