Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
