his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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