I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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