He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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