I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize
