She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
