Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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