I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
