The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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