I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
