I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
