apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
