I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
