So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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