escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
