good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
