Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
