i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
