I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
