Apparently you make a good broom.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
