I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
