when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
