90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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