Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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