2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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