I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My penis needs a shock collar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
