I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
is it fun? or sober?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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