I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
