You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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