if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
