Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The struggles of a small town man whore
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
