the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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