its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
