I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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