I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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