i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
