took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
