ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I will be naked everywhere
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
