Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Randomize
