I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
